If someone doesn’t take us to this restaurant, declare their love for us and let us go to town on the ‘press for champagne’ button and the menu while we wear cute SS18 lewks, we’re gonna get mad.

The restaurant in question, my fellow food loving humans, is Bob Bob Ricard. Based in the heart of Soho, it’s chic AF. Think of stepping into a Wes Anderson movie but instead of dressing like an extra in an ’80s movie (although we will always and forever want to be Margo Tennenbaum in that coat), you’re dressed like the cutest homosexual on the block and you’re gonna eat until you physically can’t move, and if that’s not how you set your life goals then you need to rethink your priorities.

So as you’ve taken the time to look away from Netflix, and prepare yourself to leave the house for the first time this spring, we’re going to tell you exactly what to wear and what to eat, because you’ve already done the hard work yourself.

Category is: Day-time-date bae!

What to wear:

Y’all gotta just slide those sweats to one side because sorry hun, they’re not going to cut it. Instead, embrace spring and opt for paler shades with white tailored trousers and a cosy mohair knit. Finish the look with some buttery-beige sneakers and you’re good to go.

What to eat:

The lunch menu (or off-peak) has 20% off, I repeat 20% off, this is not a drill!

So basically with 20% off you can eat what you want because you’re a complete baller. You are to lunching what Oprah is to normal people: rich. (Not sure if that works but we’re rolling with it, because who wouldn’t want to be Oprah). For starters the Truffled Potato & Mushroom Vareniki is the perfect light option and the Chicken Kiev for main will literally make you want to never buy one from Sainsbury’s ever again, damn it’s good.

Now because you’re an extravagant bitch with a not-so-hidden agenda, you’re going to finish with the Flaming Creme Brulee and a magnum of champagne, perfect.

Side note: this is the level of excitement we expect when pressing for champagne. Our life goals have changed to reach peak Shakira on The Voice and everything else is cancelled until further notice.

Category is: Casual dinner bae!

What to wear:

It’s a week night, you’ve been to work, you’ve been doing shit because you’re a career woman on the go; so slide out of your pencil skirt and your little elastic shoes you commute in and head for a chic taupe trouser and roll neck combo. Throw on some thick-rimmed Tom Ford glasses and people will probably just assume you’re the next great writer of our generation… probably.

What to eat:

Again, while pressing the button with bashful glee, you’re going to go for Crab with Chill and Avocado to start, followed by the Salmon Tartare Imperial because you’re ‘a pescatarian Monday through Wednesday, fruitarian Thursday through Sunday, and vegetarian ALWAYS’.

Category is: So formal that if you don’t propose tonight we’re over!

What to wear:

So as you can imagine, this is the night when you’re about to be asked to be the next Countess Luann de Lesseps and start your Grammy award winning pop career with just one mispronounced french quote so you’ve got to look cute. We need you pressed, dressed and ready to impress with an adorable double breasted blazer and classic white shirt.

What to eat:

Honey, this is your night. If you were in doubt if every other day revolved around you, they you can be sure that this one is literally just you you and only you. You’re ordering the Russian Oscietra Sturgeon Caviar and wondering how you brushed your teeth with anything less before, and then feasting on the Beef Wellington for two, but on your own, because you, remember. Finish with the Signature chocolate glory (pictured above) because it would be rude not to eat something as delicious as you are.