Looking for love in a modern gay world…
In a world almost obsessed with love, why do so many gay men struggle to find the relationship they crave so much?
It’s no secret relationships can be harder to find in the LGBT+ community, but I’m tired of seeing articles saying ‘gay men are incapable of love’ and ‘monogamy is over’.
The way we date, meet people and socially interact is forever changing, we often forget that we have to adjust to the landscape we’re now surrounded with. Relationships, sex and sexuality are evolving. But that doesn’t mean you have to change what you want. The kind of relationship you want is down to you. As long as all parties are open and stick to the rules, they work. Whether it’s monogamous or open, honesty is always the key.
We now have the ability to pick up our smartphone and interact with hundreds of guys in minutes… Maybe that’s part of the problem, we’re spoilt for choice. Not that we actually realise it sometimes.
We’ve become so set in our ways, we treat dating like shopping. If he doesn’t fit our checklist, we put him back on the shelf. We often create this unrealistic idea of who we want to meet, and anyone that falls short of that we set aside and continue our search.
Having a huge list of requirements people have to live up to not only lowers your chances of meeting someone, it can give you unrealistic ideas of who you actually want to date. There’s nothing wrong with having core values, characteristics or even a type. But creating the perfect guy in your head and comparing everyone you meet to him, not only creates unrealistic standards, it also scares off people who you might actually have been suited with.
One thing we’ve got to stop saying to ourselves is ‘there are no decent guys out there’ and have a little faith. Because in reality, there are literally thousands of good guys out there. It’s about giving people a chance.
You’ve got to put dating apps into perspective and be honest with yourself. If you’re looking for a bit of fun, say you’re looking for a bit of fun. The same goes if you’re looking to date, the chances are Prince Charming won’t sweep you off your feet if you’re replying with one word answers and only asking him what sexual position he prefers.
I recently had a break from dating and sex. I’ve not done either since last summer (I know), but I needed a reset. I got caught in the trap of having the same conversations on Grindr, getting frustrated at the same situations. Having a detox from using apps did me the world of good. I’m on my own journey of self-discovery as cringe as it sounds.
I think deep down we’re all looking for our happy ever after. But like most things, it’s different for each and every one of us as happiness comes in all shapes and sizes.
If you’re not sure what you want, get out there and find out. Don’t force yourself into someone else’s box and don’t let anyone tell you how to love.
Follow Tom on Twitter – @TJ_Knight