Much like scissoring, the almighty strap-on is such an iconic symbol of queerness that even if you’ve never used one before, chances are, you’ve seen one in a film or joked about them with your friends before. Perhaps you’ve also been tempted to give one a go, but find all the strap options, sizes and colours a little overwhelming, and the whole thing a bit confusing. We don’t blame you – there’s lots going on in the strap-on world.
Fortunately, GAY TIMES has created a guide to everything you need to know about how to use a strap-on and strap-on sex: from selecting the right equipment, to getting down and dirty, and cleaning up afterwards.
What is a strap-on and who are strap-ons for?
A strap-on is a dildo that straps onto the body, usually with a harness, to be used during sexual activity. The long-standing perception is that strap-ons are for lesbians or two people with vaginas. Gigi Engle, clinical sexologist and lead intimacy expert for dating app 3fun tells GAY TIMES that the draw to strap-ons for people with vulvas can be down to a couple of different dynamics.
“Maybe you want to wear a strap-on because you want to express dominance, or try penetration,” she explains. “You may also want to try a strap-on because your partner might enjoy penetration but doesn’t necessarily want to be with a person who has a penis.”
However, not all couples with vaginas are into using strap-ons. And in reality, strap-on sex is for literally anyone who fancies giving it a go. This includes penis-owners.
Engle explains that, along with providing an option for penetrative sex to those with vulvas, strap-ons are great for anyone regardless of their genitalia, especially if they’re interested in pegging or anal play.
Though it’s a common misconception that strap-ons are only for people with vulvas, Engle adds that strap-ons are great for people with penises, particularly if they’re struggling with unreliable erections. “If someone is struggling with erectile issues, they can penetrate their partner with a strap-on rather than their penis.”
And that’s all without even mentioning that strap-ons don’t need to involve penetration: plenty of people enjoy the power exchange and sensations involved in giving or receiving oral sex while the receptive partner wears a strap-on. (Yep, sucking the strap is a thing – just try not to think of the microplastics you or your partner might be consuming.)
Basically, the possibilities with strap-ons are tenfold. Whatever your gender, sexual orientation and preferences for the bedroom are, you can experiment with a strap-on in myriad ways if you fancy it.
How to select the right strap-on
Choosing the right strap-on will depend on your preferences regarding comfort, style and what you’re actually planning on using it for. Engle explains that although we tend to see the same kinds of strap-ons appear in porn or in films, there is a huge variety of strap-on choices out there.
A lot of people find strap-ons to be intimidating and Engle says this is, for the most part, because of how they can look. When you first start researching strap-ons, you can be met with a lot of huge, veiny, super penis-realistic options which aren’t for everyone, but there are a wealth of options out there.
For strap-on shopping, you’ll be buying a harness, a dildo (though sometimes these are sold together which makes everything easier) and some lube. There are simplistic fabric harnesses, leather ones for those who want a more kinky design (or something that wipes down easy for cleaning up) and classic harnesses that look like a jock strap.
As queer sex becomes less and less stigmatised, there are more new kinds of strap-ons popping up all over the shop too. More recently, strap-ons that attach to boxers have entered the market, which Engle says can be a much more comfortable option for people who experience gender dysphoria, or would like a bit more coverage.
While using strap-ons can be gender-affirming for some trans men and transmasculine people it isn’t the case for everyone. Trans guys and transmasculine folks might want to also investigate hard packers (also known as pack n play) – a type of packer which can be used for penetrative sex.
There are plenty of strap-ons out there. So, finding the ideal strap-on really depends on your preferences, what you’re looking for, and what’s going to make you feel more comfortable, most comfortable in your body while you’re having that experience. The first step to working through strap-on intimidation is side-stepping those strap-ons that aren’t doing for us, and going for something within our comfort zone.
Engle also explains that partners purchasing their strap-on together will help with this intimidation. “It’s quite a bonding experience because you guys can both talk about what materials you like and which ones you find sexy and why, [which will get you in the mood] and also normalise the experience.” Plus, sharing makes it less daunting.
How to get used to strap-on sex
Just like shopping for them, using a strap-on for the first time can be a lot. So when you’ve picked your favourite strap-on and brought it home ready for the fun part, Engle recommends going slow and steady and not immediately going for any hardcore penetration the very first time.
Engle says that because there’s a “bit of a process” to strap-on sex, it can be uncomfortable at first. “You know, you have to get the strap-on out, sort the harness, fix the straps, make sure it’s on right and it’s kind of a whole thing”. For this reason, a lot of people see strap-on sex sort of reminiscent of kink. “It’s not exactly vanilla. If you’re not used to that, it can be intimidating.”
So, take your time with your strap-on. “Get to know it just in your hand, then try to use it in a variety of ways. Take time to look at it, touch it, and get used to how it feels,” Engle says.
As with all sex, it’s important to keep sexual health in mind: sex toys can spread STIs, particularly when shared between partners. In order to be on the safe side, be sure to either wear a condom over the dildo part of the strap-on and/or clean the dildo thoroughly after each use.
Strap-on sex tips and advice
When it’s time to try strap-on penetration with a partner, lube is your best friend. Use plenty of it (no amount of lube is too much when it comes to the strap-on) whether you’re using it vaginally or anally. Lube reduces friction, which, in turn, increases pleasure. If you’re using a strap-on for anal sex, this is especially important as the anus doesn’t self-lubricate, so you can’t insert anything in there safely without some extra help.
It’s also important to listen to your body, your partner, and take note of each other’s responses. What feels good? What doesn’t? Focus on what’s making you tick rather than going after specific goals or adhering to what you think strap-on sex “should” be.
A simple thing you can do to get used to your strap-on and feel less daunted by it, is have it readily available. Engle says that if you have it hiding away in a wardrobe somewhere, it’s easy to see going to get the strap-on and assembling it as a chore.
“If it’s next to your bed ready to go and you can easily grab it and throw it on, you’re more likely to use it and [see it as less of a scary process],” she explains. It can also be a good idea to wear it when you’re not having sex, when you’re just around the house doing menial tasks, to get used to its feeling. Soon, having fun with your strap-on will feel like second nature.
When in doubt, research, research, research. Engle emphasises that the more educated you are about strap-ons, the more comfortable, easy and fun they become to actually use.