I mean, let’s all be honest shall we… Valentine’s Day is all about food.

They say thick thighs make the d**k rise, but in our case, it’s chicken thighs. Mamma loves food. Loved ones are good and all, but nothing will fill your heart more than a hearty burger. And nothing will definitely fill the void in your heart more than a ‘food boat’ (apparently that’s a thing).

We’ve also advised you on outfit choices for the evening. Because there’s no point going on a date if you’re not looking like a snack.


Does your mind say sirloin steak but your stomach says lentils? Well honey have we got a boat for you. Tibits is a Vegetarian (and widely vegan) restaurant and as you know, there’s nothing worse than being the vegan in the relationship and having the option of the side salad on the menu, because nothing kills romance more than a dry lettuce leaf.

Their Valentine’s deal gets you a bottle of prosecco, two main plates from the food boat (see, a thing, who knew?), two dessert plates and a choice of tea or coffee, all for £75. Smack my ass and call me Nancy, that’s a bargain.



They say you can’t buy love. Well maybe not, but you can buy food…and atmosphere…and Chanel to wear at said atmospheric restaurant. We all have that loved one that’s more ‘Coco Chanel than coq au vin’ to quote a certain miss bougie Bradshaw, so what better place to exchange vintage Rolex’s (huge, massive, hint) across the table than in the home of the Champagne button? Bob Bob Ricard, sign us up.



First of all, the Tabun Kitchen is in Soho…so after you’ve filled your little twink bodies with delicious street food, it’s only a hop, skip and a prance to Heaven – it’s fate. Their Valentine’s menu is £35 each and looks downright delectable. Even better, you can go from spinach and sumac to slut-dropping and bitch-dipping at the drop of a hat.



Someone ask us on a date immediately! We are neat, petite and ready to…eat…everything on this fine-ass menu. Literally who knew one could get so excited about a menu? We thought this kind of elation only happened at sample sales and gay pride parades?!

The Three Crowns is the perfect setting for an intimate Valentine’s meal. Forget whispering sweet nothings, whisper ‘Organic garden ratatouille,, caramelised fig, vegan ricotta, baby watercress’. Now THAT is sexy.