Reader’s dilemma: My boyfriend wants a threesome. I don’t

My man and I have been together for 12 years and overall are pretty happy. Recently he’s started wanting to change things about our sex life. First it was filming us, which I went along with, then in public places, and we’ve done that once. Lately he’s been changing things again, getting a bit rougher. I don’t mind it so much, but now he’s saying he wants to get someone else involved and have a threesome.

He’s been on Grindr talking to guys. He says he doesn’t want to sleep with someone else without me – he’s not interested in being unfaithful. If I’m honest, I preferred it when our sex life was more vanilla. He’s been through a lot lately – his mum died and as a result there have been family rows. I don’t want to let him down but I’m scared if I don’t go along with it, it’ll be the end of our relationship. And he’s the only man I’ve ever loved.

Ali, via email

The Guyliner replies: Reading this, your dissatisfaction jumps off the page. You talk about your sex life as if it’s a process of endurance, something to be “got through” or “gone along with” for the sake of placating and pleasing your man. This isn’t the way it’s supposed to work. What about your needs? The key thing here is your partner’s recent bereavement. People start acting all kinds of unusual when there’s been a death in the family – some disappear into sadness and despair, while others come to the realisation that life is all too short and decide to be more adventurous.

It’s true that we may as well enjoy ourselves while we can, and you don’t want to live wondering, but your boyfriend isn’t considering you while he fucks the pain away. There needs to be compromise in all relationships, but no way should you be spending your time doing things you don’t want to do – be it trail round after him in museums, spend eternities watching him try on tops in H&M or, in your case, invite a third person into your bed. You’ve been kind and patient in indulging your boyfriend so far, but it has to end here – for your own sake.

I’m not saying you should end your relationship, but for you to carry on having sex that’s making you uncomfortable and upset is far more dangerous than being on your own. You’ve been together a long time and it’d be a shame to throw that away, but what’s the point in carrying on if your sex life – a vital part of a relationship – is making you unhappy and insecure?

I’m not saying this as a prude; if threesomes are your thing, then great. But they only work when everyone involved is OK with it, and they inevitably bring with them many more issues and problems than a kinky shag would solve. It sounds to me like counselling would be useful, both as a couple and, for your partner, some help coping with the loss of his mother. Relate might be a good start to getting things back on track. You’ve been a rock so far, but now it’s time to look after yourself.


Need some good old-fashioned advice on matters of love, life or relationships? Email me in total confidence on theguyliner@gaytimes.co.uk. I can’t respond individually and your emails may be edited for on gaytimes.co.uk.

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