A person totally fucks you over, ending it all in the middle of one of the best, happiest and longest relationships you’ve ever had. They suggest it would be just bloody wonderful if you can still stay friends, because they still care about you – just not in ‘that way’ anymore.
Now, sadly, because of your own, persisting feelings towards this person, you accept these terms. And you go on suffering much longer than either of you need or deserve to, because at that point, (yes LeAnn Rimes), the only coherent thing going through your head is ‘how can I live without you?!’
This is my experience. The whole thing began a slow descent into insanity: pretending to be the ‘bestest’ friend ever, while I’m secretly plotting and scheming and conniving in every way to get him back for making his ‘stupid decision’.
‘I will be funnier, less intense, sexier, happier, prettier’, I tell myself. Oh, the effort I’ll put in, just to make them regret ever dumping my ass. And on the 38 bus, of all places.
Maybe I’m sounding bitter about this. I’m not. But I’ve failed at winning back my guy. Instead my stupid plan turned what could’ve been a bad – but straightforward – break-up into a kick in the guts that just keeps on kicking, because I refused to believe that we must lose everything we had because he had ‘a lot of stuff going on’.
The truth is, you’ll probably never get the real reason as to why it ended. And one HUGE, harsh truth is that no matter what reason they give, the real reason is always ‘hey, I’m sorry, but I don’t find you attractive anymore’. And I’d stake my life on that one. We’ve all been on the other side too, right?
Let’s face it, unless they turn out to be a proper ‘see you next Tuesday’, the person that makes you feel as filthy as they do wonderful is a very hard person to give up. Which goes back to staying in their life…
When a person decides that they don’t want to be in love with you anymore, there’s nothing you can do to get them back. Not at that time. And there’s nothing more unattractive than someone who’s just been dumped begging to be taken back. They don’t deserve to hear you beg. They’ve just broken you. From that moment, you only have one bullet. And that’s to walk away.
No contact, no calls, texts, or meet-ups. In those first few weeks, it’ll be the only chance you’ll have to make them see just what they’re missing, by cutting them out. As ol’ Madonna once said, ‘Rejection, is the greatest aphrodisiac’. And she’d know too, right?
But believe me. This is NOT what you want. This is simple ‘black magic’ manipulation that never lasts for long, if at all. The moment will happen again, and you’ll have to let him go.
You’re better to be alone than with a person that doesn’t care about you.
Not matter how lonely you feel, and how desperate you get, these situations call for ‘you time’.
Talking of the need to ‘love yourself’ is quite an ask, especially for me – being a champion self-loather.
But you should definitely know how to treat yourself with respect. Don’t put up with people who are reckless with you and your feelings. Get out while you can.
Then eat all the ice cream, drink all the wine and watch Sex and the City right back from season one. When a relationship is over, you must give yourself time to grieve. And in that time, you should do whatever it is you need that gives you comfort.
There’s no shame in a relationship breaking down, nor is there for being lonely without one. I’ve been happily/miserably single for a LONG time now… Like, so long… But I know I’ve needed to be. It’s been for the best.
Things get better, as they say. You’ll find someone infinitely better. Maybe even I will, too.