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Gay man becomes mayor of Hell, bans all straight people from his town

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Well, here’s a story we never expected to write.

Elijah Daniel, the newly appointed mayor of Hell in Michigan, has announced a ban on all straight people from entering his town, calling them a “radical” threat and promising to “Make Hell Great Again”.

“Growing up, I was always told that homosexuals would go to Hell, now the heterosexuals are trying to take this from us too,” he wrote in a statement released on social media on Wednesday 30 August.

“As of today, I am establishing new vetting measures to keep radical heterosexuals out of our town. We want to ensure that we are not admitting into our town the very heterosexual threats we are fighting against.”

While Elijah has confirmed he won’t expel straight people currently living in Hell, he did offer an alternative for them – a heterosexual reparative therapy program.

“The therapy is not mandatory for heterosexual residents,” he continued, “but it is highly encouraged.

“All hetero residents who do not participate in reparative therapy will be required to wear a scarlet H and meet in the town centre at 5:30am wearing cargo shorts every morning to be publicly straight-shamed.”

If you don’t recognise Elijah, you may remember his Donald Trump-starring gay erotica that became an Amazon bestseller last year, featuring standout lines like “His gorgeous ass flapped behind him like a mouthwatering stack of pancakes”.

And it seems the President of the United States was the inspiration behind his new career as Mayor of Hell.

Unfortunately, it didn’t take long for Elijah’s controversial policy to lead to the downfall of his new political career, as he announced his impeachment on the same day.

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