Imagine if you were able to get through a day and be able to live it just as one of those affirmations on your fridge door tells you that you can. To feel confident, handsome, validated, relevant…
I think the biggest hurdle in our lives is the monster we all carry within ourselves. The dread of things that haven’t happened, or never will, or just might if you fail to do something about it. Sometimes just being able to give ourselves a break from the trap of ‘be relevant or fail’ that we all seem to face from day to day.
This (quite literally) filtered life of everyone around us is just too hard to keep up with isn’t it?
I’ve always been a sensitive person – too sensitive. That is my absolute Achilles heel, and I have never been able to get the frig over it and build a bloody bridge.
I have spent a majority of my whole life, being battered by the cause and effect of confrontation and the fear of disappointing or angering someone. And near 37 years later, I still can’t just shake off an ugly time and give myself a break. Even when my mind is clear, I find myself subconsciously searching it for humiliating moments I have locked away from parts of my life I try to forget.
I’m confessing this here in the hope that someone else, who goes through this madness every day can at least feel assured that they are not alone with it. As I talk about it to people, I actually find that more and more suffer the same way and are all themselves, searching for redemption that doesn’t result in them being a dosed up half version of who they used to be.
As I climb into my late thirties, I find that I have little to no time at all for people’s bullshit, but still way too much time for my own.
I’ve done the medication, counselling, and therapy, and none has agreed with me. I know my past, have examined it at great length, and know exactly why I act this way.
But I’ve learnt that a good hobby can be the greatest coping mechanism you can find. And if you’re invested enough, it can help bare the burden of whatever ridiculous worry that brings out the worst in you.
I’m going through a phase of restoring old 80s toys at the moment and selling them on, which makes me feel like a service to any kid from that era. I’m also fortunate enough to have a dog, who takes me for long walks, never gets bored of my bullshit, and reminds me that I have a purpose as his parent.
I hope these writings can help you get by. I know it’s not politics, or breaking news, or anything that can change the world. I just want you to know that there is someone out there that gets it. And you are not alone.
You can follow Mikey on Twitter at @thatbloodymikey