Our deity of the month is Scottish comedian Craig Hill, star of BBC2’s Live Floor Show
Never hang net curtains. It reveals more about you than it hides.
Don’t wear the same outfit as your boyfriend at the same time – a sin.
Never criticise Madonna for the lyrics: “I want to singy, singy, like a bird on the wingy, wingy, wingy”.
Don’t kill… an outfit with an unnecessary broach.
Don’t steal. Just borrow for a long time, wear a lot, ruin and replace.
Don’t worship false Pop Idols.
Never wear navy and black together, unless approved by Dolce & Gabbana.
Remember the Sabbath and worship at the house of Ikea.
Learn the lyrics of the song and look like you can be arsed when staging a “comeback” (note to Britney).
Find many occasions in one day to say: “Congratulations, you’re still in the running to becoming America’s Next Top Model!”
See Craig at The Village Theatre, East Kilbride on Nov 30th, +441355 261 000; Eastgate Theatre and Arts Centre, Peebles, on Dec 1st, +441721 725 777