January is the time to reflect and think afresh upon our lives. We call upon our deity – la goddess most diva-licious, Miss Jodie Marsh – to guide us in this process of spiritual renewal. Hallelujah!
Thou shalt be a vegetarian (excluding human meat).
Thou shalt have at least one tatt (or preferably a whole sleeve).
Thou shalt never bow to peer pressure; be yourself at all times.
Thou shalt not do drugs (gurning is sooo not attractive).
Thou shalt never get married (or if you absolutely must, make sure it’s with a millionaire)
Thou shalt never go near under-endowed men.
Thou shalt always have a dog. They have higher IQs than most men and provide better companionship.
Thou shalt ride a motorbike and recognise that Harley-Davidson is the ONLY real motorbike.
Thou shalt always listen to real music – that means people who write their own songs, not glamorised karaoke.
Thou shalt never be ashamed to admit you love sex.