Celebrity Lawmakers

Tim Fountain

July’s Deity is writer Tim Fountain. May his priapic knowledge of the UK’s sexual ins and outs be conferred upon us. Hallelujah!

01. Don’t go to a ‘watersports club’ unless willing to wee on a stranger in a paddling pool.
02. Never travel to an ‘adult maids’ academy’ with a cross-dressing Japanese sissy maid called Kitty.
03. Never leave your flip-flop in the door of a gay guesthouse unless you fancy the obese proprietor.
04. Never get into a narrow double bed with a wide single man.
05. Dogging with academic swingers: it’s all gong, no dinner.
06. Gay chefs shouldn’t have sex with a goat on the Paradise allotments outside Hull.
07. Avoid gloryhole sex, aged 14, en route to the Brontë Parsonage Museum, Haworth. It’ll scar you for life.
08. If you have gay sex dressed as Mickey Mouse, don't ‘spooge’.
09. When at Manchester’s Club Lash, it pays to make friends with the ‘Dungeon Monitor’.
10. Ask yourself, “If there were no praise and no blame, who would I be?”

Rude Britannia by Tim Fountain, p/back, Weidenfeld & Nicolson, £12.99