Scott Capurro - acid tongued comedian and GT columnist
Thou Shalt Not date an actor. They're purile and self-indulgent, and they LIE. Always. Particularly about their relationship with their personal trainer.
Thou Shalt Not turn Broadway musicals into films. Chicago disappointed, Dreamgirls is dreary and kickboxing ain't dancing.
Thou Shalt Not wear grimy Polish underpants. Especially if thou is a Polish builder. They're far too tempting and challenge decorum.
Thou Shalt Not blend plaids with stripes, unless thou is black. Black People can get away with anything.
Thou Shalt Not adopt a Hip Hop accent, especially if you're white and middle class.
Btw J-Law, Thou Shalt Not complain that 'it hurts', when really, I'm average. Don't turn butt virginity into a myth.
In fact, Thou Shalt send only current photos of one's self on line. Some might find balding men very attractive: “swimmer's build” means just that. Not floater. Swimmer. Playing a swimmer doesn't count, you dumb blond(ish) bitch.
Thou Shalt remove unnecessary facial hair, which is all facial hair. Hair shalt not migrate. And shave your balls you cunt. They must be oral-friendly, or hasn't your new boyfriend mentioned that between push ups?
And Oh Fucking Jesus in Hell, forget about Diana. Who cares if you fingered one of her guards? Thou didn't even know her, so let that media whore fizzle.
Thou Shalt only rape fictionally. Especially Diana's sons, and especially the ginger bastard prince. But, to be fair, thanks for introducing us, Jude sweetie. And don't worry, I'm sure Spielberg hasn't lost your number. You know what they're like. Fickle. One day they want Gaza, the next Belsize Park.