July’s Deity is writer Tim Fountain. May his priapic knowledge of the UK’s sexual ins and outs be conferred upon us. Hallelujah!
. Don’t go to a ‘watersports club’ unless willing to wee on a stranger in a paddling pool.
. Never travel to an ‘adult maids’ academy’ with a cross-dressing Japanese sissy maid called Kitty.
. Never leave your flip-flop in the door of a gay guesthouse unless you fancy the obese proprietor.
. Never get into a narrow double bed with a wide single man.
. Dogging with academic swingers: it’s all gong, no dinner.
. Gay chefs shouldn’t have sex with a goat on the Paradise allotments outside Hull.
. Avoid gloryhole sex, aged 14, en route to the Brontë Parsonage Museum, Haworth. It’ll scar you for life.
. If you have gay sex dressed as Mickey Mouse, don't ‘spooge’.
. When at Manchester’s Club Lash, it pays to make friends with the ‘Dungeon Monitor’.
. Ask yourself, “If there were no praise and no blame, who would I be?”
Rude Britannia by Tim Fountain, p/back, Weidenfeld & Nicolson, £12.99