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Gay Times December 09 - Issue 375

Five Ways To Leave Your Lover

Matt Miles comes up with 23 ways to leave your lover - here are five of them

In a blaze of destruction
A cunning way to get the fuck away from your ex forever is to act as though he’s committed some grave injustice against you. You never have to specify this imaginary misdeed, simply move quickly to shouting “bastard” at him, and kicking his leg. Then tear his clothes from the wardrobe as if you’re a woman in an 80s soap opera. Put more of his things on a pile and then set fire to them, while you smash framed photographs of you both in happier times. When he pleads for an explanation, stand with your hands on your hips and your head cocked and say things like, “That’s right, play the innocent.” Throw an item of underwear at his head and flounce out the door, breaking more things with your trailing hand. Works best if you are from South America or Ipswich.

Change your Facebook status
Why bother with the messy business of conversation when you can basically just delete him by clicking “single” instead of “in a relationship”? It’s as if he was never more than a bunch of pixels that gradually lost the power to give you a meaningful erection.

Pretend you’re straight
Like a killer illness or terrible accident the words “I’m straight” will take away much of your boyfriend’s pain and turn it into sympathy. To maintain your breeding charade it’s important you avoid gay nightclubs for a while. Lip-synching to Beyoncé in traffic jams is also a no no. Say “It’s over bro.” Resist the temptation to spell O-V-E-R with giveaway hands.

At a table for two
Celebrities and sadomasochists will tighten the screws by doing the deed in some near-silent luxury restaurant where any sign of emotion is frowned upon. The more humane technique is to wait until dessert, but that would spare him the exquisite pain of having his shortcomings bullet-pointed with the snapping of lobster limbs. It would also be gentlemanly of you to pay the bill, but nobody’s perfect.

On holiday
You could tell him you’re off to buy some chewing gum and leave him in the airport check-in queue. By the time he’s at the front, you’ll already be on a flight to a different continent. Another strategy is to spend the entire holiday with him, holding his hand for sunsets and running out of things to say at overpriced beach-front restaurants. Then, when you get back to the drizzled concrete of Manchester International, double his pain by saying something sickly like, “I wanted to end our time together with memories that last.” At this point it might still be a good idea to get on a plane to another continent.

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