Gay Times September 08 - Issue 360
Hip, Hip, Hypocrisy
Aren’t many of us, Chas Newkey-Burden wonders, just a little but hypocritical when it comes to sex?
When we started co-writing our book about modern hypocrisy, my co-author, Julie Burchill, turned to me with a cheeky glint in her eyes and asked me whether I thought there was any hypocrisy in the land of the gay. Just a tad, I replied. The words ‘homosexuality’ and ‘hypocrisy’ may only be a few pages apart in the dictionary, but they should be snuggled up right next to each other, because Gayland is dominated by duplicity from top to bottom.
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So let’s start at the bottom, because one group of gay men who have hypocrisy down to a fine art are the ‘bottoms’ of this world. They boast that they wish to submit entirely to the powerful hands of another man, but once push comes to shove, they’re the most controlling of bedroom partners. “Overpower me, do whatever you want to me,” they gasp, adding: “No, not that – THAT! No not there – THERE!” It must be a right pain in the arse for the top.
Hypocritical bottoms would like to fool us with their duplicitous ways, but there are other hypocrites who also fool themselves. I speak, of course, of those bores who drone on about ‘gay body fascism’. I’ve met countless overweight gay men who try and take the moral high ground about body fascism, when in reality what really upsets them is that no slim or muscular guys want to sleep with them, and that they’re just as repulsed by their fellow fatties as everyone else. Who’s the body fascist now, Mr Blobby?
It’s the same when you hear a group of older gay men complaining about ‘ageism’ on the gay scene. What these duplicitous dinosaurs are really saying is: no hot young things will go to bed with us, and we resent this because it means the only way we can have sex is to do it with another oldie, and we’d rather jump naked into a vat of acid than do that. It's not ageism, it's the pot calling the kettle black, my friends!
Just try suggesting to your fellow gay that he might have a straight side somewhere in his sexuality, and stand back while he shrieks in horror. Not that this will stop him from desperately trying to ascribe homosexuality to the behaviour of straight men, and trotting out that wincingly-delusional line: “What’s the difference between a straight man and a gay man? About 10 pints of lager.” In your dreams, hypocrites! Two high-profile proponents of the '10 pints' belief are Boy George and Dan from Big Brother 5, and the day you look to those two for sexual guidance, you know you’ve hit rock bottom.
Most sinister of the lot, though, are those shameful sorts that bitch and moan about anti-gay prejudice, yet manage to out-bigot any homophobe when it comes to the expression of their own sexual preferences. Forget the rainbow alliance; gay men can be as racist as anyone. I’ve lost count of the number of men who write such charmless crap as, “No Asians or blacks” on their on-line profiles. Fair’s fair, we all have our preferences, but if that sort of statement is the most interesting thing you can say in selling yourself to the world, then I suspect you’re not just a hypocrite, but also a bit of a yawn between the sheets, too.
Sadly, for every homo racist, there’s a homo snob, too. I’ve met many a middle-class flag-waver for gay rights who would run screaming to Stonewall if anyone called him a ‘poof’, but is happy to talk about fancying ‘a bit of council’. Sex phone-lines that shout about ‘Scallies’ and ‘Chavs’ do a roaring trade, I hear. Gay Pride? I’ve never felt so ashamed. And to think that the gay lifestyle is so often praised as being hip. Hypocritical, more like.
Not In My Name: A Compendium of Modern Hypocrisy by Chas Newkey-Burden and Julie Burchill is out now, Virgin Books, £12.99