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BLUFFER’S GUIDE TO THE EUROVISION FINAL!

Hello Europe! So we now know who has qualified for this Saturday’s ARENA SPECTACULAR!


Having spent the week in Malmö we now present to you our handy ‘Bluffer’s Guide’ to Eurovision Final.

Don’t forget to Tweet along with @PTButton (live from Malmö Arena) and @gaytimesmag – as the Eurovision final is televised on BBC One, 8pm, Saturday.

Here are the 26 finalist in order of performance:

1 France / Amandine Bourgeois - "L'enfer et moi"
Roughly translates as ‘Hell and I’, and the overall impression is that of a slightly cleaner Courtney Love singing jazz standards in a dim basement somewhere. An exciting prospect perhaps, but certainly not a Eurovision-winning one.
Amandine triumphed in the French version of Pop Idol in 2008. Well at least she’s won something.

2 Lithuania / Andrius Pojavis - "Something"
Not the most exciting track (even the singer sounds bored of it), but at least he’s hot and that’s the main thing. Also, in a previous life Andrius fronted a band called ‘Hetero’. Well of course she did.

3 Moldova /Aliona Moon - "O mie"
Starting off a bit like that Rihanna song where she’s getting her hair done, before segueing into Toni Braxton’s ‘Unbreak My Heart’. Aliona Moon’s performance is mostly memorable for the giant lava lamp dress which sees her elevated to the ceiling with her undercarriage aflame. Well we’ve all been there. Health and safety NIGHTMARE.

4 Finland / Krista Siegfrids - "Marry Me"
Krista does little to advance the cause of feminism in this matrimonial pop number, but it received one of the best reactions at Semi-Final 2 with its flashy high-camp routine and lesbian kiss which seems designed to inflame Daily Mail sensibilities. Good. Read our interview with Krista here.



5 Spain / ESDM -"Contigo hasta el final"
The only Spanish we know are the lyrics to “Mi Chico Latino” so we literally have NO IDEA what’s being sung about – plus, we left our ESDM press pack in a bar last night so, yeeeeah… seems Spain have been very clever by disguising this song as an Irish entry, with its bagpipes and The Corrs-on-steroids melody. Could’ve conceivably been a winner back in 1996, which is coincidentally when Ireland last triumphed.

6 Belgium / Roberto Bellarosa - "Love Kills"
Who expected the Belgium entry to have a dubstep breakdown? We certainly didn’t. Although Roberto looks suspiciously like a Brüno impersonator, this efficient pop number could be a serious challenger – lots of people singing it as they were leaving the arena on Tuesday.
Roberto was the inaugural winner of ‘The Voice Belgique’. Hopefully he had more chart success than UK champion…er, whatever she was called.

7 Estonia /Birgit - "Et uus saaks alguse"
Ooh, we all love a power ballad don’t we, and just you wait for that key change - we had to mop up after that. Interesting fact: ‘Et uus saaks alguse’ roughly translates as ‘New Beginning’. Unfortunately it has no relation to the Bucks Fizz song of the same name.

8 Belarus / Alyona Lanskaya - "Solayoh"
Performed from a giant disco ball (don’t get too excited, gays – it’s not very good), we *think* Alyona’s singing about those ice lolly/cream hybrids ‘Soleros’. Luckily Belarus is land-locked between five other countries, so this giant pile of nonsense should at least pick up a few points.

9 Malta / Gianluca - "Tomorrow"
Ah, Malta. One day they’ll win Eurovision – but it won’t be this Saturday. Smiley Gianluca has rather helpfully typed-up the lyrics and displays them on the big screens during his performance… sort of like a big Eurovision Power Point presentation.

10 Russia / Dina Garipova - "What If"
Key changes, soaring highs, cheesey lyrics – typical Eurovision. But because it’s so generic, somewhat ironically, Russia will be completely over-shadowed by Georgia with the same song later on.
¬¬“What if we all / Opened our arms / What if we / came together as one” Yes, Russia. Quite.

11 Germany / Cascada - "Glorious"
On Wednesday we thought we glimpsed Eastender’s Vanessa stumbling around Malmo, but no - it’s Cascada! Remember them? It’s reasonably good eurodance track that’s faced accusations of plagiarism (well, it does sound a *bit* like “Euphoria”). Is it a winner? We’re pretty certain the bubbly will remain firmly in the fridge.

12 Armenia / Dorians - "Lonely Planet"
When they announced ‘Lonely Planet’ had made it through to the finals all of Malmö Arena booed. It’s twee and forgettable, but then we thought San Marino could win the entire competition before it was unceremoniously dumped out in the semis – SO WHAT WOULD WE KNOW? But, yeah, anyways… this one is rubbish.

13 Netherlands / Anouk - "Birds"
Unlucky 13th. Apt for a song that has been a bit hit-and-miss with the hardcore fans, though Birds is a haunting ballad that has been our favourite from very early on. Positive reaction on Tuesday as the audience in the arena were chanting “NETH-ER-LANDS, NETH-ER-LANDS” when the semi results were announced. Will the tele-voters “get” Anouk on Saturday? Loreen said she could imagine Thom Yorke singing it. That’s a good thing, right?

14 Romania / Cezar - "It's My Life"
Camp Dracula. Enough said.

15 United Kingdom / Bonnie Tyler - "Believe in Me"
Well, 15th isn’t a terrible position to perform from, but with eleven songs (three of which are favourites) to follow we reckon you can kiss goodbye to ‘SWANSEA 2014’. A strong performance of this power ballad should give us a respectable placing. Fingers crossed for a top 10 finish.

16 Sweden / Robin Stjernberg - "You"
The first track to dent Bonnie’s chances as Sweden are pretty good at this Eurovision lark.
Robin stormed to win Melodifestivalen 2013 despite the UK jury award the song ‘nil points’ – reinforcing the opinion that we know NOTHING when it comes to Eurovision success.
Momentum is slowly building for “You”, though it’s driving us slightly crazy as they’re playing it constantly from train-mounted speakers all around Malmö. We kid you not.

Interesting fact: a quick google of Robin brings up some photos of him in the bath.

17 Hungary / ByeAlex - "Kedvesem"
Now’s a good time to top up the Cheeselets and pour yourself another glass of Bucks Fizz as this song is DREADFUL. How it qualified at the expense of San Marino we’ll never know. Confusing visuals, dreadful “cat-sick” lighting effects, and a song that only a mother could love.

18 Denmark / Emmelie de Forest - "Only Teardrops"
Bookie’s favourite – there’s a real buzz about Malmö for this entry - mostly because we’re 20 minutes away by train from Copenhagen and half a million Danes. Doesn´t really do it for us, but the golden ticker tape and fireworks give it the feel of a winner. The only two songs we foresee denying ‘Only Teardrops’ are the Norwegian and Georgian entries.

Interesting fact: if Emmelie wins, she’ll be the third person to do so barefoot.

19 Iceland / Eythor Ingi - "Ég á líf"
Scandinavian singer who looks a bit like the Honey Monster spruced-up for a date. Performing in-front of what appears to be a giant frozen-landscape advent calendar this got one of the most favourable reactions in the arena on Thursday. It’s nice enough and could do well.

20 Azerbaijan / Farid Mammadov - "Hold Me"
Nobody does power ballads like Azerbaijan and this track is no exception. Accompanying Farid is a performer in a box that’s part-Houdini, part-“Noel’s House Party Grab-a-Grand competition”. Should pick up a truckload of points.

21 Greece / Koza Mostra feat. Agathon Iakovidis - "Alcohol Is Free"
How on Earth this qualified we will never know. I mean, sure, it’s got sexy bearded men in kilts but… oh. Anyway, having spent the week hopping between Copenhagen and Malmö we can assure readers that alcohol is NOT free – in fact we paid £13 for a pint on Studiestræde.

22 Ukraine / Zlata Ognevich - "Gravity"
The performance contains an unnecessary giant which makes us feel a little bit uncomfortable what with being terribly PC an’ all. The song is pleasant enough and wouldn’t feel out of place in “Wicked”.

23 Italy / Marco Mengoni - "L'essenziale"
It’s a bit “James Blunt” (and possibly the weakest entry from the ‘Big Five’), but Italy have done well since their return to the competition in 2011 and the jury votes will bump it up to mid table.

24 Norway / Margaret Berger - "I Feed You My Love"
Dark, synthy, poppy and FIERCE – of COURSE the gays love it! Great reaction in the arena on Thursday, and if Margaret can connect with the TV audience on Saturday night this could well win. It would be a deserving winner. We caught up with her during the week which you can read here.





25 Georgia / Nodi Tatishvili and Sophie Gelovani - "Waterfall"
It’s as catchy as oral herpes and just as prominently positioned – so much so that we’ve spent the past few hours Googling: “Georgia, Gay, Bars, 2014” just in case this pulls off a win. Apparently it’s one of only a few countries in the former Soviet space that directly prohibits discrimination against LGBT people in legislation. Still, not sure we fancy a trip to Tbilisi – even if it will make for a fabulous Lynda Woodruff sketch. Along with Denmark and Norway this is a real contender.

26 Ireland / Ryan Dolan - "Only Love Survives"
Thank goodness this got through – just for the topless drummers! It’s no ‘Jedward’ (say what you will about them, we’ve enjoyed their entries… so to speak) but it isn’t Dustin the Turkey either.
Ryan has supported both Jedward and Tinchy Stryder… presumably not at the same gig.

Have fun this Saturday, watch out for the AMAZING Lynda Woodruff sketch (if the Beeb decide to show it). We’ll be tweeting from the final itself, so follow us: @PTButton.

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