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Svetlana Loboda's Back!

Our favourite Ukrainian tabloid slut Svetlana Loboda has a new single out...

Под Лед means “Under the Ice” in Russian, which is possibly about the pending fountain of gay liberation that is about to emerge in Russia. OR is possibly just about Svetlana being a fierce wig-sporting witch who’s not to be reckoned with.

The racy high-budget* video features an enticing ancient world theme intro that sees Svetty finishing off a ritualistic sex session in some kind of sultry rented candlelit dungeon, before leading her handful of YouTube viewers into an upperfloor lair, prehistoric toilet roll stuck to her jewel-encrusted strap heel as she marches defiantly up a clearly fake stone staircase.

The following scenes depict controversial live cockerel fighting (insert predictable joke) and then - ! - even more controversially - ! – we witness some incredibly rare shots of Svetlana’s face in profile! Possibly a first for her relatively concise videography, and possibly inspired by Lady Gaga’s who Svetty seems to be copying throughout the video and, as we all know, has previously won the battle for unruly rooked noses having a place in pop.

Although married to a wealthy American, Mrs. Loboda prefers to reside in Ukraine where she is moderately famous, if not exactly loved, and thus she usually sings in Russian so that her homies can understand her music and so that is secures air time on Lutsk FM and Radio Alchevsk.

Под Лед also sees Svetlana without her tasty troupe of almost-naked male backing dancers who have followed her around everywhere (literally) on instruction for approximately eight years now. This time she ditches them in favour of copious microphone stands, an unexplained Ukrainian cornfield and even more age-defying smoke and mirrors.

Despite this exciting return to the world of very marginal Eastern European pop for Svetlana, she is still best remembered for her superb 2009 Eurovision entry Be My Valentine (Anti-Crisis Point), easily the best entry of that year’s contest...

You might recognise the drum kit as it also features in her current single. Very economical is our Svetlana. She’s also wearing the same pants in both videos but inside-out in the later.

Rumour has it (and this is actually true, we think) she had to re-mortgage one of her husband’s houses in order to fund her Eurovision performance since Ukraine (collectively as a nation) couldn’t afford to send her there in the state that she envisaged.

Sadly Be My Valentine song didn’t score well, partly because Russia gave her God-awful coverage on the night**.

Luckily for us though Svetlana’s gay dancers do live on in our memories and in Google images. Here’s a personal favourite. Also, let us never forget it was Svetlana Loboda as a brunette who taught us how to exit a sauna.

So there we have it, congratulations on your new song Svetty! Hey, it’s unlistenable, but it’s the painstakingly obvious effort that counts, and we’re sure it will chart somewhere exotic, and when it does you can take your iTunes pocket money down that Kiev high street and treat yourself to some new thigh-highs.

We hope this blog post (which we know you are reading right now Svetlana propped-up against three plump pillows in your condo with your morning vodka tonic being fanned by two footmen wearing tea towels around their waists) doesn’t come across as bitchy or blithe. We are in fact your biggest fans, whatever that means, and are forever jealous of all that steamy Ukrainian meat you’ve no doubt gnawed over the decades.

Oh, and in case we don’t see you before Svetlana, happy 31st birthday for October. You’ve still got it baby. And you always will!

*(for Ukraine)

** (every country receives the same TV footage of Eurovision to make the contest fair, however this gives the host country a carte-blanche to be politically biased and poorly film countries that they do not like. This is why the best bits of Svetlana’s 2009 performance are obliterated by high-speed zoom-outs and random panning shots across the crowd, as you can see in the video above)

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