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I am Konki

“That’s nice, but I wish you were Andrew from EastEnders.”


So, here at GT towers, we received a delightful invitation to the Sanctum Soho Hotel for the launch of the I Am Konki App. With a guest list that promised every celebrity to have ever graced a reality TV show, our eyes lit up at the mention of one name on the list. Cheryl Fergison, AKA Heather from EastEnders.



Now of course we adore that loveable woman, who couldn’t. But she hardly sets our loins alight. Her on-screen husband to be, however, is an entirely different matter – king of the bears, Andrew Cotton must be the wrongest celebrity crush we’ve had in a long time. And if Heather is going, surely she’ll bring along her dream man Andrew.

No such luck. The champagne is flowing and the paps are waiting at the door to snap the menagerie of celebs who are expected to arrive. We wisely line our stomachs with complimentary wasabi peas. No sign of Heather or Andrew yet, but it’s ok, the night is still young. Suddenly there’s a flutter of camera flashes, could this be it? We check we are stood in our most flattering positions and put on a solitary stare. It’s Chico. A sheepish waiter comes and cheers us up with some canapés.

We secretly save a mini pizza for Andrew, we bet he loves a feeder. More flashes, we elbow our way in front of some pretty skinny girls who are stealing our limelight. It’s Heidi from the Sugababes.

The Noisettes appear and perform a fantastic trio of songs as we keep our eye on the door. Suddenly we notice the crowd diminishing as people are starting to head home. No Heather and definitely no Andrew. Our goodie bag is rammed with pick-n-mix sweets, Andrew would have loved this. But thank you I Am Konki for an equally emotionally and sexually frustrating evening. We will certainly download your app and investigate its mix of competitions, voucher codes and celebrity interviews.

Words: Sam Normington

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