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Titanic - a Beginner's Guide.

Leonardo, Billy Zane and Kate Winslet’s nipples all with the added wonder of 3D.

Remember seeing Titanic in the cinema? ‘Of course I do’, I hear you scoff ‘I saw it 15 times and wept during them all’. Well good for you. For some of us though the upcoming re-release will be the first time. Given that the film celebrates its 15th anniversary this year, I was all of ten years old when the original came out which made me less than legal for its 12 certificate. To be fair it was probably a blessing – I had enough on my plate without having to emulate my older sister’s crush on Leo – but the fact of the matter remains; I had to wait patiently to watch it on VHS (still at ten years old mind. What can I say? I grew up pretty fast).

Let’s be honest, even if you are a newbie you’ll know the storyline and if not I wouldn’t want to spoil it anyway (ahem… he dies). But if this happens to be your first time too, or even if you’re a veteran seeking advice, here are my top tips to help you enjoy the film:

DO go and watch this in the cinema. The big screen, 3D and audio quality make an atmosphere difficult to replicate hunched on a sofa in your living room.

DON’T be the person who whoops at the opening credits. Somebody actually did this at the screening and you could have cut the awkwardness with a knife (or an iceberg, if you will). While we’re on the topic, you should also avoid being the lady behind me who spent the three hours rustling her snout through bags of sweets, as well as any of the people who clap at the end. It’s a film not a play. Keep up.

DO prepare to see the beautiful faces of Leonardo and Billy Zane stretched across a 70ft screen. In any other circumstance a man with a 70ft face would be terrifying, but when they’re as beautiful as these two there are no complaints. The 3D re-imaging gives great clarify too, which unfortunately only helped develop the initial love and lust into burning resentment and envy. But that’s just me.

DON’T expect too much from the 3D. Yes it does mean the picture quality is great and there is an extra dimension to the film, but unfortunately it lacks the jump-out moments you might expect. Raised in an era when 3D meant things would leap from the screen, I’d quite hoped to lose an eye to one of Kate Winslet’s nipples as it fired out into the crowd (it’d make a great story for parties, wouldn’t it?). Alas I came away unscathed with the effects failing to deliver the in-your-face graphics (nipples) I’d assumed.

DO remember to wee before. This film is more than three hours long people. Three hours. You’ll probably want to avoid the super sized 7UP too.

DON’T question too much or you’ll spoil the drama. Yes Cameron made every effort to ensure that they film was true to life, but could Jack’s skinny arms really hoist Rose back onto the back of the boat? Let’s be honest, she’s a lovely girl but she’s no Kate Moss. In reality the film might have been over in a matter of minutes (perhaps leaving Leo to hook up with Billy Zane instead… I could be onto something here).

DO feel free to cry. It’s sad at times but more importantly the 3D glasses will mean your date can’t see your tears.

So there you have it; everything you need to know to enjoy the film and not look like a dick while doing so. And is it worth the watch? Sure. Cameron & Co are still on to a winner here and as the old homage goes; if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it (just jazz it up with some 3D graphics and flog it back to the masses). What’s more, hate it as I may, the round of applause at the end suggests that I’m not alone in thinking so.



Titanic is in cinemas and IMAX from the 4 April. Check the website for full details. There's also a feature in the latest issue of GT about gay life aboard the Titanic.

Words: Luke Campbell

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