GT Stage

A John Waters Christmas

“I love Christmas so fucking much I could shit.”

And with those words John Waters instantly won us over. Not that he didn’t many, many years ago to be fair, but we’re talking in particular about his Christmas Show at London’s Southbank last night.

A wonderfully decadent festive trip, taking in Christmas past, present and future – what he’s done, what he’d like and what he should be doing in Christmases to come – Waters’ Christmas is one everyone should revel in.

He talked about Divine’s obsession with the holidays, and how his friend and star spent all his money on decorations before maxing his parents credit cards out and eventually being visited by the police.
He recalls how Divine, exactly like Dawn Davenport from Female Trouble, said to the cops: “I didn’t do one thing!” Waters remembers they made Divine take a lie-detector test, which he passed. “That’s when I knew he was a good actor.”

And speaking of Female Trouble, THAT scene with the Christmas tree is based on a real-life holiday moment where the Waters family tree fell on his grandmother. Amazing. He then encouraged people to tip the tree on someone on the day, “everyone can scream together.” Also amazing.

His own Christmas movie, Fruitcake (about a young boy in a family of meat thieves) is yet to see the light of day – in fact, he tells the sell-out crowd that the one part of his career that’s not going well is the one thing he’s done all his life.

Interestingly, he refers to having written (and been paid for) the script for the sequel to Hairspray, called White Lipstick, which he shrugs off as something that will ‘probably never be made’.

He talked about films like Christmas Evil and his obsession with the Chipmunks and how excited he is for the new movie. And how much the actor who voices Alvin is a fan:

“I wanna fuck Alvin for Christmas, that’s all I can say.”

He’d like to open a nightclub called The Pelt Room. “What do you serve?” people would ask. “We serve vinegar from a witches asshole,” is John’s reply.

He encouraged the audience to embrace Hallmark cards and to deface them in the name of art. “Draw a cock on the nativy scene. Change the greetings. ‘Merry Fistmas’.”

Talking about his place in the gay community he mentions that he’s heard a new phrase:

“I’m a blouse.”
“What’s that?”
“A feminine top.”

Yes, we know we’re just repeating some of his best lines, but he’s a non-stop barrage of brilliance. The man’s a living legend so you should buy his Christmas album and also buy his book.

While you’re at it, just buy the bloody DVDs. If you’ve never seen his movies you need to start NOW.

Details of the forthcoming attractions at the Southbank.

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