Harry Clayton-Wright

Lady Gaga, Lady Gaga, Lady Gaga.

The first review past the post.

That headline wasn't meant to be a Beetlejuice attempt to make her appear because to be quite honest we're currently holding a little bit of beef with Miss Germanotta and if she did it might all end in tears.

First thing's first, there's selling your album and then there's *SELLING* your album. What with some of the tracks from Born This Way being previewed on Farmville, of all the ridiculous places, this week and the continuous release of singles that has by now grown tedious; when you sell your work like you would a toilet roll it makes it very easy to resent Lady Gaga and it's completely understandable to see why a backlash has arisen. She does have the impressive sales figures though and you can't not respect that, but when an artist becomes a brand does it affect the material?

Lady Gaga's album is available to listen to online now, and we've got an initial track by track review of what we think of the new record she's finally releasing on Monday. Is it "the greatest album of this decade" as promised? Let's see…

Marry The Night - The album starts with Marry The Night, an organ heavy number about Lady Gaga wanting to enter into wedlock with the night. It's a song that sounds like a Lady Gaga song, but is it as an exciting album opener as Bad Romance was? No. It's not a bad song, but it's not a great song. It's a song.

Born This Way - This is the sort of song to hear in G-A-Y when drunk and slipping around on the spilt poppers all over the floor. It's a song to wear your hot pants, sequinned boob tube and strut around to in your mum's high heels. It's certainly a song with a message and it delivers. We get the point.

Government Hooker - The first really interesting sounding song on the album with some really fantastic moments. We'd been looking forward to this track and we're not disappointed. An operatic introduction, some dirty synths, a call and response with a man who sounds like he'd treat you right, this will have you writhing sexily in your seat. It will be on repeat.

Judas - It's always enjoyable to sing in a funny accent. Lady Gaga is definitely from the Old MacDonald Had a Farm school of writing. LADY GAGA WROTE A SONG, EE-EYE EE-EYE OH. AND IN THAT SONG SHE RHYMED SOME WORDS, GAGA JU-DA-ARSE.

Americano - If Lady Gaga was in a production of Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat, this is what her version of Those Canaan Days would sound like. It's very enjoyable. It will be more enjoyable to shout along with when drunk. Not that we actively encourage drinking, but we possibly had a few on the commute to work.

Hair - It's a bit embarrassing. Drifted off a little and got to thinking the 'oohs' at the beginning of the song sound similar to the bit in the soundtrack of Kill Bill Vol. 1 when The Bride asks Hattori Hanzo to make her a sword. Just a bit. After checking, there's a bit of a resemblance. Not much. Oh, the song's over now. Replay? No thank you.

Schiße - Despite it's name, it's one of the songs on the album that isn't shit. It makes us want to dance. The production is great, it's really catchy, it takes to a club in Berlin where we're avoiding staring at some of the bizarre sights. Probably fisting.

Bloody Mary - Shania Twain's song Ka-Ching! springs to mind.

Bad Kids - Pointless anger channeled through a mediocre song. "Wish I had the money, but I can't find work". Urm, didn't you make anything from Farmville?

Highway Unicorn (Road 2 Love) - I'm not buying into this one. It's got some nice drums on the track though. Full marks go to the drummer on this one. In terms of drum comparisons, they're near Total Eclipse of the Heart's drums but the song pales into comparison next to Bonnie Tyler's. The drums though… Good drums.

Heavy Metal Lover - "I want your whisky mouth all over my blonde south" is an image I didn't want to see in my head, thank you very much. This is pretty similar to Dance In The Dark from The Fame Monster, except it's not as catchy and this one doesn't really go anywhere.

Electric Chapel - Le sigh - that's us sighing in French. Having to create our own amusement by this point. Back to the song, it's nothing we haven't already heard from anything else on the album.

You and I - It would be nice to hear this with just LaGa's voice and a piano. The production is so very annoying. Thing is, Lady Gaga has always been brilliant when it's just her and the ivory keys. It would have been really nice to have had just one song stripped back to something quite simple to really give it some space and to hear it without the annoyance.

The Edge of Glory - Kelly Clarkson called, she wants her sound back.

And there we have it. That was Born This Way. Greatest album of this decade? By god no, there's only two tracks we really liked. But you really shouldn't call your own work something like that. It's up to everyone else to decide. Now you might not agree with what's written here and that's cool, because everybody is entitled to their own opinion and who's to say this is the right one? But one thing is most probably certain… Whether you're black, white, fuchsia, of vegetable descent, or an inanimate object, you won't be able to avoid this. Lady Gaga may not have been around for long and this is only her second album, but she seem's quite determined to make a point. Is she damaging her artistic integrity in the long term with all this relentless BRAND GAGA NEEDS TO SELL SOMETHING? Only time will tell.

We need a drink now.

Born This Way is out on Monday. Just in case you didn't know.

(and yes we will be using this screengrab until we get a better one)

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