Dylan Jones

Sparkingly Sleazy

We’re not sure if you’ll agree but either way that’s a promising blog title isn’t it?

When we click on a link someone at the office has just sent us, we’re greeted by pumping techno, interspersed with someone with a breathy Central American accent saying “come on baby”, epilepsy-inducing flashing text saying “WELCOME TO MY SITE BITCHES” and the obligatory tirade of tanned torsos.

Apparently this is Amadeus, who according to his Bio was “the first baby in his state in which some people claim he was already born with a star under his arm”. He also claims to have started writing songs “at the adge of ten”. This might all sound very condescending but actually we think that, despite his comedy of Google translate errors, Amadeus is brilliant in a we-all-know-this-is-very-silly-but-fuck-it-let’s-join-in sort of way. And we’re not the only ones. The “bitch counter” on his site informs us that “3727 bitches have viewed this site”. That’s probably equal to the population of Colchester. Or the monetary value, in pennies, of a few boxes of commemorative royal wedding condoms.

Amadeus’ latest single is, obviously, called Pornographic Thoughts and, sleaze-wise, ticks just about every flashing neon cheap champagne-filled sailor hat-wearing box. The video ends with Amadeus flexing his arms and pouting, and the words “KISS MY ASS BITCHES” coming up in pink sparkly font. At one point he’s swimming in a pool of disco balls. We’re actually quite embarrassed about it all but in an avuncular, indulgent sort of way. We can imagine having to comfort him if he dropped an ice cream cone at the park, perhaps placating him with a yoyo, or a packet of Haribo. Or amyl nitrate.

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