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Robert Cook


Hangover from (actual) Hell

Another one of those blogs about why we got drunk last night.

We had a feature on The London Dungeon in our November issue, but we're such big fans of being in a dark room waiting for aggressive men to jump out at us that we went back.

After having seen an unimaginable number of men in sequin dresses, we don’t hesitate to say that it takes quite a bit to scare us. With this in mind, we went on in to see if their new Helloween attractions had what it takes. The table of booze did distract us briefly, giving a large sweaty looking fellow the opportunity to creep up and growl in our ear. Not the first time, etc.

A quick glass of wine (and a refill) later and we started to walk through the dark corridors towards the main event, being ever cautious every step of the way. Yes, we do mean making girls go first so we could watch them squeal as Jack O’Lantern grabbed at them. What of it?

We were lead in to hear The Sounds of Hell – thousands of screams recorded by Siberian scientists who drilled 14km into the earth. These were quickly drowned out by our own shrill screeches when we realized we’d been locked in a never-ending hall of mirrors. Seeing our own reflection at every turn? Hell indeed.

It didn’t take long for us to start feel a little too at home in the dingy, scream-filled dungeons; this comfort was duly noted by the actors as a certain Mr Scott became fast favourite for torture demonstrations. Drill a hole in his skull to release the demons from his brain? Mind if we leave the room? At least give us something to shield our eyes with.

Being stabbed by Jack the Ripper on the 10th anniversary of his last killing, watching a girl being burnt to death for betraying Bloody Mary (we’ll do the same to you if you betray Tesco Mary) and being sent to the Gallows for heinous crimes (Shut up. Aidan Grimshaw is legal). It was definitely ‘right up our street’. Sorry, it’s Friday, X Factor is looming. We’ll stop now.

We have to say our highlight of the night came after the tour. We’d been disappointed to earlier find there were no rats in the giant cage we'd passed; they are creatures after our own hearts. Before leaving we got a glimpse of them all huddled up sleeping and were told the group were all female, and were pretty much a law unto themselves – they showed their faces when they wanted, and when they wanted only. Diva rats. Love. Also, they are all female because when they put a male in to allow them to ‘make baby rats’ the girls all but claw each other’s eyes out to get to him. Ruthless, horny, diva rats. BIG LOVE. * adds diva rats to ever growing Christmas list*

When they turned the lights out on us we got the hint that it was actually time to leave. Similar situation in the pub afterwards. We like wine, what can we say?

Head down to The Dungeon before Halloween to bump into Jack O’Lanern, and experience The Sounds of Hell.
They also have a British Sign Language tour on the 27th for £20, which includes 50% off photos and 20% off in the Dungeon Shop of Horrors. See the-dungeons.co.uk/London for more information.

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