Jack Cullen

Caught in a bad fragrance

What's that funny smell...

The McQueen of pop Lady Gaga announced earlier this month that she will launch her own fragrance, having signed a deal with cosmetics giant Coty. Some fans were disappointed to learn how long they’ll have to wait until they can smell like their heroin, or quite possibly, like heroin, or even more possibly, cured slices of heron. Indeed, the singer’s scent arrives in 2012, hopefully via a live broadcast that will clash directly with a future X-Factor winner warbling I Cowell To Thee My Country at the Olympics opening ceremony.

By then it will be impossible to imagine what life was like before Gaga’s scent, when the only celebrities you could willingly smell like were J-Lo, VB, SJP and other money-grabbing clusters of letters.

So, in anticipation we’ve sniffed about in Gaga’s chart history, spanning an impressive twenty months, looking at the titles of her hits in search of a platinum name for this smelly monster.

Five perfume launch suggestions for the Haus of Gaga:

Name: Poker Spray

Jingle: (to be sung while thrusting alternative armpits in a model/actor’s face) “Can’t smell that? Can’t smell that? Yeah you can smell my Poker Spray”
Smells like: Dollar bills fresh from a lap-dancer’s leotard, with mild tones of a Poker table’s green felt.
The oufit: Poker Spray has a casino theme, so our Lady is dressed in a gown of playing cards, teamed up with some adorable poker chip jewellery. The headpiece? Obviously a spinning roulette wheel. Accessorised with another post-Madonna bra, made from the post-feminist silicone breasts of a casino hostess.

Name: Bad Fragrance

Jingle: “Ba-aa, ah-ah-ah, Fray-gra, ah-ah-ah, Gaga ooh la-la, want your Bad Fragrance”
Smells like: Fame, fashion and thickly-applied foundation.
Outfit: A dress made out of fragrance. It is Lady Gaga, therefore it is possible. Did your mother never read you that children’s story The Fame Monster’s New Clothes? Basically two medieval gay men can get away with anything.

Name: Perfurazzi

Jingle: “Call yourself a fan? Then go ahead and smell just like me: Perfu, Perfurazzi”
Smells like: Pulped newspapers with the ambiguous hint of a free Prince CD.
Outfit: A celluloid bodice endorsed by Polaroid with an inverted camera tripod as a headpiece and earrings made out of camera flashes. Keep it simple we say.

Name: Telepong

Jingle: “Call all you want, but there’s no one home, if you’re not gonna smell of Telepong”
Smells like: Orange
Outfit: (We’re just checking Gwen Stefani’s music video history in search of something Gaga’s not been inspired by yet) Has Gaga been a sexy boxer like in Hollaback Girl, à la Christina in Dirrty? She hasn’t? Phew, call off the search. Diamonté gloves this time. Hulk Hogan as a headpiece.

Name: Fré Grance

Jingle: (To the tune of Just Dance, work with us here) “Fré-grance, gonna be okay, g-g-g-grance, grance grance, freé fr-fr-fré-grance.”
Smells like: Andy Warhol turning in his grave.
Outfit: Clutching at straws here. No, that’s the outfit. What more do you need to cantor down the red carpet in this Gaga age? Ok, heels and windscreen-sized sunglasses. Oh, and a post-ironic utterly iconic Camilla Parker-Bowles wig. You read it on Gay Times first.

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