Darren Scott / Editor

Cancel your weekend plans (until Christmas)

"Listen to that sad, sad music as she leaves..."

"I know, it’s like ‘boo hoo, they won’t let her be a pop star’."

It’s time…to face… THE MUSIC! This morning we were almost deafened at the press launch for The X Factor. Yes, it’s that time again. It hardly seems like a year ago when Dermot O’Leary chatted to us at the urinal. How time flies etc.

Anyway – back to series seven. Yes, the one with the pregnant Minogue and the girl band member with malaria.

Dannii being knocked up means the other three judges are joined by a different guest each week and in Saturday’s episode – for that is when it returns to CONSUME YOUR LIFE – is Geri Halliwell. The woman can talk. We know, we went to her house for coffee and her child didn’t like us. It’s a gift we have (along with a book Geri signed with a crayon. We didn’t ask, she just did it).

What were we talking about… Oh yes – the auditions. Obviously we’re going to take joy out of other peoples misery because that’s what the producers WANT. And we’re so easily led.

Step up 41-year-old ‘house husband’ (GET A JOB) Steven Hunter. If you like your turns camp you’ll enjoy his Disco Inferno...

One of the worst things we’ve ever seen – and we’ve seen our share – is the male/female duo G&S. Which stands for Gay and Straight. Thanks for that stereotypical representation there ‘Gay’ (quick, get him on the cover surrounded by four hunks).

Probably our favourite (and already hated by the girls at the screening) is Bonnie Langford-esque Madonna wannabe Katie. It’s refreshing to see someone who’s not ‘doing it for their mother’, playing the cancer card or harping on about their child. NB – being a single parent does not entitle you to win a talent contest. It’s not a skill. If it’s such a hardship you should’ve kept your legs crossed.

The highlight for the whole series looks set to be a moment where a couple of plus-sized auditionees have a tussle. We say tussle, Cheryl’s actual line is: “She punched her in the face!” and the look on guest judge Natalie Imbruglia’s face is AMAZING. They only previewed it (in slow motion) twice in the first episode so here’s hoping they carry that on for all six weeks of the auditions.

You’ve also never heard a worse version of Bad Romance (and again, we’ve heard plenty) or a more surreal version of Mercy.

Obviously essential viewing. We laughed so hard we got a headache.

There are no clips available, and we can’t show you any photos from the programme until tomorrow so why not just watch this video of the best pop song to come from a reality show, the lovely Ainslie Henderson from Fame Academy. Oh yes, totally would.

The X Factor is on ITV on Saturdays from now until Christmas.

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Loving the Ainslie song..haven't heard that in a while! Great article, hilarious! Totally agree with you...lets just hope for some hotties this year!!

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19/08/2010 15:58:50