Jack Cullen

Bitches in Sitges: T-Rex Foam Sex

Confessions of a Gay Road Tripper pt. 3.2

Lose the dusty guide books, fuck the wafery listings, the naff tourist sites; THIS is your one-stop-candy-shop guide to nightlife in Sitges 2010-11. This year I went to Sitges for 6 nights and so I had to make each night count. We’re talking sawdust for bedposts...

In the name of dedicated investigative journalism, I downed my weight in vodka Fanta lemons, stood through god-awful strip shows, lost my darling Vilebrequim swimmers in a sordid foam party, fell asleep in a chapel porch, stalked local boys through a cruising forest and danced to Tina Turner in the arms of a Belgian bear called Bo-Bo.

All the bars in Sitges are free entry so there’s no excuse to not see everywhere, even if you can’t afford to drink there. So get pissed in your hotel and go EXPLORING for your own little gay haunts. Sitges has such an intimate community of holidaymakers that it only takes one afternoon of beach gossip and balcony blabber to set an town-wide trend and have everyone partying in the places you like!

The BEST clubs in Sitges:

Trailer – go there for the gay foam parties on Wednesdays and Sundays. 20€ entry includes one drink and a condom, they’re amazing, and I rarely use the word amazing. Men in tight swimmers and vintage Madonna, boys smoking naked and downing pear vodka, strobe lights and offers of sex with no strings, these are a few of my favourite things. Although watch out for the ‘abominable foam man’, i.e. the inevitable rampant fifty-year-old who thinks foam somehow makes rape legit. Also - smear baby oil over your balls otherwise in the morning they’ll look like desiccated coconut. It’s best to have sex against a wall, not on the floor, because the foam will eventually fuck your ears. I say ‘foam’, it’s 50% foam, 40% alcohol, 6% cigarette ash and 4% seminal matter.

L’Atlàntida - go there for the Gay Beach Party on Tuesday. It’s 20€ in advance but for a one-off it makes for a great night. Live dance shows, Spanish drag queens, good electro (plus a few forgotten classics like Castles In The Sky and Toca’s Miracle, *sigh*) and a real party atmosphere. It’s not actually a beach party though, more an open air nightclub with one side exposed to the ocean. The free shuttle bus goes back and forth from Hotel Calipolis until 6am, so you can always pull on the way home school-trip style. See photos of L’Atlàntida here.

Meditteraneo - go there on a Friday or Saturday to catch the Barcelona weekend trippers. Meditteraneo has the best interior, with a large conservatory-style backroom, potted palm trees, multi-tiered podiums and a funky pool table upstairs.

The BEST bars in Sitges:

XXL – A really good bar for a pre-club drinks. The music is surprisingly tasteful for Spain. Upstairs there’s a fun elliptical dark room but watch your pockets – my pal lost his iPhone. My beautiful friend Silas, 19 and from Leicester, couldn’t get enough of the dark room in XXL. I’m surprised they didn’t charge him rent.

Queenz –an uber friendly atmosphere with some seriously cheesy Euro-pop. I won a cap on their bar tombola – how naff-slash-cool is that?! Pablo “from Donny ”, who used to run Monroe’s café, is a drag queen there, so go and say hi, he loves a natter with a Brit and he has all the daily gossip.

El Candil – the coolest bar in Sitges and my favourite. I just love the lighting, the décor, the statue inside the entrance and the resident DJ, who is actually a minor celebrity in Spain. If I could buy El Candil and get it busy again I seriously would, I love it. If there’s a group of you, it’s a good place to go for a team drink before you hit the masses with your moves.

Privilege – the busiest bar despite a small and straight-forward interior. A good place to be seen at the beginning of the night, to check out who’s on the scene and jot down a few potential lovers. Sometimes they have strippers, but the one I saw looked like my GCSE chemistry teacher.

The BEST Beaches:

My favourite beach is Playa Del Muerto. The camaraderie of the coastal trek to get there is fun, the water is beautiful and there are no families finally. One thing that did irritate me, and everyone, was this old Swiss-German man who kept fondling his teenage lover and making him do naked hand stands in the sea, it was totally borderline NSPCC. Also, there were eight bears who decided to shoot some kind of impromptu calendar which was kinda grrr. Playa Del Muerto is a rock beach, so it’s well worth hiring a sun lounger for 8€. An afternoon well spent.

Next blog Jack cruises the woods in Sitges then sips on a cool Orangina in a fetish dungeon beneath the beautiful French town of Lyon, and turns down the offer of becoming a prostitute in Geneva.

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