Darren Scott / Editor

Tea for two

So we went to this tea-room the other day.

All we wanted was a latte before we fired into the harder stuff.

The window looked garishly enticing, with pictures of Princess Diana, Dot Cotton, Barbra Windsor and Julie Goodyear. But once inside this Brighton establishment with a penchant for all things “royal”, things got a little surreal. Think League of Gentlemen crossed with British bulldog.

What you see before you, faithful reader, is a wreath made of actual fresh flowers. What we hadn’t realized was this actually wasn’t ironic, and the somewhat somber music we were listening to was the “score” to Diana’s funeral. Interspersed with the speeches. It was only the bloody anniversary of her passing. Shame on us for not remembering sooner, fickle gays.

And if that wasn’t enough, the music stopped suddenly and the piano behind us starting belting out Candle In The Wind – on its own.

Being little gays we only wanted something small to nibble on (story of our lives, etc) but we ended up with giant teapots – one with actual tea, one with hot chocolate – a mountain of biscuits and a Victoria sponge “the size of a family loaf”.

How we laughed as we were regaled with a tale of how the café proprietors purchased a toilet seat from eBay that Camilla Parker Bowles had once s(h)at on.

“How does he know such things,” we wondered of our suddenly knowledgeable gayer-in-crime, before realising he was reading a newspaper clipping to his left. Which he then realised was attached to the actual toilet seat. Suspended in the air, above our table.

Naturally we think this is all incredible – although Lordes knows how we end up in these situations – and want to set up a GTroom (see what we did there) in London immediately. Please send all your gay shit to us here at Gay Towers, care of Bob. He’ll be your waitress today.

In the meantime, if you’re in Brighton check out the Tea Cosy Tea Room on George Street.

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