Darren Scott / Editor

Minutes from our meeting with Mariah Carey...

...'s record label album playback launch thing.

We’re so busy here at Gay Towers that we don’t even have time for meetings. Well actually we fit them in on the bus on the way to a lavish playback event for Mariah Carey’s new album which is, of course, so important that we’ll walk out literally as we’re going to print.

Playbacks – and by that we mean ‘when lots of very important media types from London Town (and us) come together to listen to something deemed so amazing and brilliant that you can’t just get a CD, you have to SHARE the experience, it’s THAT big’ – should only be attended if held in a very, very swish hotel.
You might think it glamorous to rock up to the head office (or ‘Towers’, as we now call everything) and sit in a room with a slightly dodgy latte, listening to a CD and wondering what you can nick/post photos of on Twitter. Well let us tell you it’s not! It's a tough job, but someone's got to do it. We're not allowed to do an album review because they only played 6 songs, so here are our notes.


We've had our phones taken off us - oh God, to be cut off from Twitter.

Plate one:
Finger sandwiches. Salmon, egg. No crusts for Mariah. Memories of an imperfect sarnie maybe?

Plate two:
Small cakes. There's a green and pink one that's "pistachioy almondy mush" with a fruit that the fruits don't recognise.
A frangipan type cake that's too moist. The chocolate cake is the clear winner – we're obsessed (ha, see what we did there). We might lie and say that we were sexing it. (Joke for Mariah fans.) We were going to share the last one but some greedy bitch (KEVIN FROM GALAXY) took it.

Plate three:
Fluffy strawberry cupcakes. "I think if Mariah was a cake she'd be one of these ones."

Drinks: Endless white wine. There was water being poured and we momentarily got excited that it was vodka.

There's a message from Mariah...
"Taking Mariah's career in the UK very seriously"
"Her most soulful intimate record"

We eat cakes to stop ourselves from laughing at how awkward it is.
We want to lead the throng with hand clapping.
We're not taking it very seriously reader.

What's she singing in H.A.T.E. U? I want to mate you? Bake you? Maybe the cupcakes were HAND MADE my Mariah. We'd still prefer Martika's Kitchen to Mariah's though, so stop trying to sex us with bakery.

Songs with funny titles (H.A.T.E U and Standing O)

I Want To Know What Love Is actually comes with a space for the confetti cannon, which we're now copyrighting as the confetti cannon break (probably the name of the next girl band to crop up)


1. why am i sat in the middle i cant stop laughing Carey wails "BACK IN THE DAY" and im off again

2. everyone knows this one and starts talking. how rude.

3. the old musical toybox intro, winner. did she just say London Pride?

4. ELLA, ELLA, OH! OH! OH! theres a three second rule - the first three seconds of every track is amazing. "you're the man of the hour / i might have to buy you some flowers"

5. another slow one, backing vocal like a quiet minnie ripperton and then there's a strange Pterodactyl noise in the background. Could be Darren.

6. Her voice sounds like a PANPIPE. There is much excitement in the room. This cover is epic, career changing and clearly going to be massive.

[1. Candy Bling 2. Obsessed 3. Hate You 4. Standing O 5. Impossible 6. I Wanna Know What Love Is]

More from Darren Scott / Editor
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