Jack Cullen

This year's glittering Global Gathering

JC (not that one) gets to grips with make-up, men and music festivals

The publicity team for Global Gathering were high-energy this morning to say the least. Eager to impress team GT they proudly crowned their dance festival as “the haven for metrosexuality”. Did they mean the haven for people who live on the Metro? But we soon discovered that their reason for running such a fashion-led pitch was that this year at Global Gathering all (okay, most) of the men are to wear make-up.

That’s right. More than 55000 men in maquillage. We’re not sure how they’re going to enforce this. The Skins generation of teeny-pill-poppers will be no problem, they’re usually happy to eat make-up. But what about the thirty-somethings, the original ravers who lost their virginity to Denise Lopez in 1992 behind a Brixton briefcase?

Those guys won’t sport a splash of rouge. Those guys think cider is homosexual, or having GCSEs. They shift coal, they don’t wear it. According to the Global Gathering guys “If it’s good enough for Russell Brand and his guyliner then it’s good enough for us. Keith Flint from The Prodigy blackens his eyes, even Dan Black will be painting his face”.

As much as we love Russell Brand, why do so many people cite him as the first guy to tart-up the male gaze? David Bowie was doing it in 1969, Byron was doing it in 1809, Tutankhamun was doing it in 1329 BC.

Still, Global Gathering boasts some hefty headliners this year: The Prodigy. Orbital and Pendulum. Hopefully The Prodigy will be able to stand-up for more than half an hour this time. The DJ line up is equally as magnanimous, with Armin Van Buuren, Tiga and David Guetta. What’s the correct term these days – hot? shit hot? hot shit?

Vocab insecurities aside, these are some big acts for a Warwickshire dance festival. Escpecially in the middle of a recession when most dance parties are running on a back catalogue of old Mixmag freebies.

So to conclude. If you’re going to Global Gathering next month, the message from them is - “release your inner Ziggy Stardust”. The message from us is – try to avoid Ziggy from BB8 and deny his autograph.

Global Gathering, nr Stratford Upon Avon, 24-25 July. £115

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