Bob Henderson

Brand whores and indie bores

Last week the NME asked the all male band The Rumblestrips something like “If you had to get off with another member of your band – at gunpoint, who would it be?” (deep, deep breath…) Maybe NME are being supremely ironic in acknowledging the inherent homoeroticism of a bunch of grown men sweating it out in band together. But I doubt it. God forbid one of their precious skinny white boys might actually engage in a homosexual act without a violent threat involving fire arms. So, for all their Queen of Cool, Beth Ditto championing, they still uphold the homophobic (pathetic) playground mentality of “eurgh, you’d kiss a boy, ha! ha!”. Hilarious.

And so it was, with that bitter taunt echoing round my head, that I went to the TOPMAN NME TOUR . The bands in short: Blood Red Shoes (pictured) were the best band of the night – passionate, angry and under appreciated. The Little Ones weren’t even worth getting off a comfy leather sofa for. Jangly, inoffensive, boring.Pull Tiger Tail sound like a band who didn’t start buying records until the year 2000 and as such sound like a bedroom version of latter day Muse or Panic at The Disco.The Rumblestrips are great – if you like the Zutons. Then there was the venue, which had been transformed into a walk-in advert. Topman had successfully rebranded the whole (s?)he-bang and literally the only place where you couldn’t see the Topman logo was when you’re trying to piss into the urinal.

The climax of the evening was a nauseating rendition of The Boys Are Back In Town. I still can’t work out if I’m genuinely missing the hilarious joke (that celebrating the misogyny of the music industry is actually post-Gossip knowingness). But like I say, I doubt it. They proceeded to flood the stage with all the cock rocking boys, who’d spent the past few hours fret wanking their way though mediocre indie and I couldn’t help notice there was only one girl onstage out of about 15 performers. Frankly I wanted her to batter them all with her guitar in the same way she treated the floor at the end of the Blood Red Shoes set. Or she could get them all to have a massive orgy – under the threat of a machine gun, obviously.

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