Jack Cullen

Who the fuck is Smiley Vyrus?

We chat to one of the hottest names on the London scene right now ahead of Miss Sink the Pink...

Born yesterday in 1995, Smiley Vyrus is causing a storm on the London scene right now. Having recently turned nineteen she is already holding the fort in a ferocious circle of scenesters and scene stars, some of whom are twice her age.

In February nightlife legend Larry Tee asked Smiley to host a night at East Bloc after spotting her in his crowd. Jodie Harsh’s has given Smiley her blessing too, dubbing her “Dead Jodie” at recent parties – a nickname that makes fun of Smiley’s gothic get-up but also singles her out from the 2014 drag boom and the scene’s confusing sea of newbies.

So we thought we’d give Smiley a call to find out more…

Hey you! We’re guessing you’re in bed with a Pride hangover?

I’m on my laptop in bed yes. Still in last night’s make up and underwear, shhhh. We decided to stay at the Soho street party and get trashed, it was faaaaabulous, especially Lady Lloyd on the decks.

Were you working?

No, but I marked out my own sort of spot in the dingy back area of Bar Soho and just made it my stage!

Do you prefer Soho over East?

No I feel more rooted in East London, especially as East Bloc gave me my first chance. Soho is more traditional drag but I do like the cheap drinks in G-A-Y and the attention.

What defines the Smiley Vyrus look?

Complete whore. You know that girl at school who takes her clothes off at the end of a party to get attention? That’s my look. Apart from I lose my clothes before I leave the house. I wore a bra and thong to London Fashion Week and this man walked past and said “You’re not fashion. You’re just being a whore” – Hahaha! – He was just jealous. He didn’t have my arse.

Who WAS the first boy to have your arse?

I met him on Twitter when I was sixteen and went to visit him in Brighton. He begged me to stay on an extra three days, so I did, and when I got home he just never ever spoke to me again. I was distraught, not gonna lie. Anyway, moving on!

Do you date “tranny fuckers” or men who appreciate the boy inside?

I prefer men who like both sides. They have to be smart enough to understand what I’m about. I feel comfortable in myself as a boy but at the same time I like to gender fuck with people’s perceptions. I like being experimental.

If you had to write a Drew Barrymore film what would happen in it?

Random question! So I would replace Drew Barrymore with Lindsay Lohan, and the film would just follow Lindsay Lohan.

But that’s already a TV series!

Is it? Shit. Well I’d be in it too, and the film would follow us both. There’d be a plot in there somewhere.

Do you have any ambitions beyond falling around looking fabulous?

I’m gonna marry Johnny Depp, shag him senseless, and then steal all his money. After that I think I’ll open a club with House of Trot, and yeah - fall around looking fabulous.

“Haus of Trot” is your own clique, made with your young scene pal Day Monay right?

Day Monay is my sister and we founded Haus of Trot. Also in the Haus we have Robyn Grannies, Madamme Maxwell and Anna Wintoral. It’s called Trot because we were drunk and a friend said “Ta-rah” and we mistook it for “trot” and, yeah, we just went along with it.

Fantastic drag names! Are you secretly a well-off middle class kid?

No way! I’m from a working class family in Stevenage. I went to a catholic boy’s school though. My Mum had to bribe the priest with a bottle of whisky because none of us had ever been to church before apart from like this wedding this one time. Smiley’s spiritual Dad is the Kardashian’s sex tape lawyer and her mother is the queen of the ocean.

On Twitter you’re called “@Fagswxg”, explain…

That was me thinking I was cool and unique as a child. It’s pronounced “fag swag” and yeah, it makes me cringe a bit but do you think I can be fucked to change it? The Smiley Vyrus username has been stolen by someone anyway.

What music is on the SV sound track?

I have really awful taste in music! ‘Lucky’ by Britney Spears, ‘Heaven Is A Place on Earth’ and ‘Dirrty’ by Christina. I love Charlie XCX too, even way back before she said I was the fiercest drag queen in London today. Had to get that in there!

If you had to cast two of the One Direction boys in a gay porn film who would you cast and who would do who?

Louis would be top and Harry would be the bottom so that Louis would have Harry’s hair to hold onto.

So Harry’s on his front in this?

Yes. It all happens on a giant love heart shaped bed with mirrored ceilings.

Beautiful. What advice would you give to other youngsters wanting to penetrate the London drag scene?

Be inspired by things but turn it into your own thing. Nobody likes a copy cat but all of us want to inspire people and, God I’m starting to feel really grown up, next question!

Is it true that you’re actually the lovechild of Jeremy Joseph and Jodie Harsh?

Please don’t tell anyone.

What’s the next big thing on Smiley’s calendar then?

On Saturday I’m entering Miss Sink The Pink, come and cheer me on!

And finally, do you steal your make-up from Superdrug, Boots or from other people?

Smiley Vyrus does not condone crime!

For sensational photos and deranged updates follow Smiley on Facebook and on Twitter at @fagswxg.

Watch Smiley enter Miss Sink The Pink on Saturday at Bethnal Green Working Mens Club by clicking here.

Words Jack Cullen, @jackcullenuk
Image Peter Fingleton

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