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The Oscars 2014

We take a gays eye view on this year's Oscars

Maybe these are the words we've been destined to say our entire lives; but thank God for Liza Minnelli. Without her the Oscar’s red carpet parade would have been a sea of elegant predictability. These days it’s difficult to recognise our Liza without an on-screen caption, as the 67-year-old looks like a 57-year-old trying to look like a 47-year-old. Uh-mazing! Yet on the red carpet her look was ridiculously distinctive, as she waltzed into the ceremony in what can only be described as gloverals (glam overalls), with a streak of blue hair to match her outfit, she rubber-stamped the factory-chic look with a pair of shoes that, to the naked eye, look indistinguishable from a pair of warehouse favourite Doc Martins.

It wasn’t a good night for the elder stateswomen of Hollywood as Glenn Close too made somewhat of a fashion faux-pas, electing for a black outfit that contoured to her remarkable figure perfectly, but gave the impression of last-minute Halloween costume. You know the ones, where your mum doesn’t have the time to make a proper outfit so you parade around the streets ‘Trick or Treating’ wrapped in a bin-liner, because you’re told it’s a witches outfit... and being just 8 years old at the time, you believed it.

Black was also the choice of the slightly-less seasoned Julia Roberts, for whom the above Halloween analogy could also fit, only in that scenario her mum would be making even less of an effort than Glenn Close’s. Still, her blonde hair looked nice. It’s said that blondes have more fun; unfortunately no-one told her dress.

Bucking the trend for the older actress was Meryl Streep who wore a practical two-piece, which is probably the only outfit in the world that would look both at home on the Hollywood red carpet and standing in line at Primark, buying socks as Christmas gift for a relative you don’t really care for.

If you thought that judging people for how they look on Oscar night was the exclusive domain of those who like to unfairly judge women on their appearance, I present to you Jared Leto. Up for Best Supporting Actor for his brilliant turn in Dallas Buyers Club, he showed up wearing a white tuxedo - looking every bit like that guy you wouldn’t let your daughter go to the prom with if he turned up on your doorstep with a rose he pinched from next doors garden. Officially entering the ‘sooo needs a haircut’ stage, he was outshone by Buyers Club co-star Matthew McConaughey who elected for a similar colour scheme.

Inside the Kodak Theatre the far less important task of dishing out the gold statuettes began. There was triumph and disappointment for the Brits as Steve McQueen’s 12 Years a Slave picked up Best Picture but Judi Dench missed out to Cate Blanchett in Best Actress. It was a good night for Gravity, which picked up 7 awards for the movie that was filmed in the UK. Just think – this is where that gratuitous lingering ‘bum in knickers shot’ of Sandra Bullock as she floated her way through the International Space Station, happened!

The moment of the night was the award of Best Supporting Actrress to Lupia Nyong’o for her portrayal of Patsey in 12 Years a Slave, as she broke down in tears and thanked co-stars and director McQueen saying: "Thank you for putting me in this position; it has been the joy of my life. I'm certain that the dead are standing around you and saluting you." in a movement so moving that you briefly forgot to worry about poor Liza’s bunions in those shoes!

Oh, and Jennifer Lawrence fell over. Again. But we love her more than cake, so it's all good.

Words: Aaron Golightly (@AaronGolightly_)

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