GTea Break

The five fag hags you must avoid!

Beware she...

To a number of us, there are few things more beloved than our best girl friends. These ladies are always there for our indulgent ramblings, endless neurosis and self-induced crisis (Go on, admit it!) They helped us through coming out, break ups, addictions to various substances, family troubles and goodness knows what else. Ladies, for that, we salute you! BUT, there's that certain type of female who falls into the 'frightening fag hag' territory, which you must avoid at all cost! Know the signs, spot the dangers and don't EVER gives them access to your Facebook…

1 – The Huntress
You meet her and she gushes, 'it’s such a shame that you’re gay'. Flattering. She’s sweet. Then she asks if you’ve ever slept with a woman and you answer a sheepish 'no'. She responds with 'well, I’m gonna be the first'. Sinister. Alarm bells start to ring. She invites you for a sleepover and dread fills every fibre of your being. She starts calling your mother, just to 'hang out'. Beware the huntress; she always has an ulterior motive. Usually to steal your lil' baby makers and fill a gasping vagina she fears no heterosexual man will go near. She will have your offspring and she will have it her way!!!

Most likely to be found: In the bushes outside your house.

2 – The Fangirl
'Oh my God! I’ve always wanted a gay best friend'. OK. Good for you. Do I want to go shopping with you? No. Do I want to braid your hair and pick one of the thousands of pairs of shoes you own that you think we're interested in? No. Can you put make-up on me? Absolutely not. These girls are so hypnotised by all things gay that in the heat of the moment they seem to forget you’re an actual human being, with actual feelings. Soem of us may look like life-size Ken dolls, but plastic accessories we are not.

Most likely to be found: favouriting every one of your tweets.

3 – The Fauxmophobe
These girls are so relaxed that they’re almost horizontal. You meet them and they keep a little distance. They’re all 'I hate gays, they’re so dramatic' or 'gay men are so disgusting and slutty', but contrary to what they say, they are always there, wherever you are. After a while they may confess, 'I hated all gays until I met you', but rest assured their nonchalance is forced and they are saying this to all the boys. This bitch will ditch you as soon as she's found some tit in tracksuit bottoms down her local Bull's Head.

Most likely to be found: judging you from across a table at lunch.

4 – The Kween in Hag's Clothing
'I’m basically a gay man!' she shrieks excitedly. Erm, except you’re not. 'No, but really, I’m like, literally, a gay man in a woman’s body!' she flaps. Well, maybe you should talk to an understanding doctor. Wherever you seem to go, this girl will be there - the gay bar, the chill out, the men's toilet… She's in contact with more gays than the entire Grindr directory, and probably even has her own profile, 'Just to keep up with my boys'. She changes her gay best friend more than her socks and has an appetite for penis that's bigger than mine, yours or a warehouse rave.

Most likely to be found: swinging around a pole in a gay bar near you.

5 – The Quizmaster
She’s the friend-of-a-friend you meet while standing around at a house party. She seems cool, so you start speaking. 'So, don’t think I’m being rude, but are you gay?' she asks. You reply with a simple 'yes'. 'Oh my God! I knew it.' She gets excitable, waiting for you to hand her a medal for her intuitiveness, despite your I Love Britney t-shirt and asymmetrical haircut clearly giving the game away. 'I’ve never had a gay friend before!' 'Are you the giver or the taker?' 'What’s your type?' 'How long have you known you were gay?' 'Do you have a boyfriend?' And they keep on coming… until she passes out on Bacardi Breezers.

Most likely to be found: educating herself on gay sex at any given opportunity/watching Queer as Folk reruns.

Words: Perry Juby (@PerryJuby) and Lee Dalloway (@Leeroydalvin)

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